The Loss of Affect
by The-Unknown-Artist
Summary: "Severin rests his chin on Richard's shoulder and watches as the never-been family bleeds and dies. It's then that Jim excuses himself." Richard and Severin's baby dies at childbirth. Jim doesn't understand.


_A/N: I'm not going to clarify if this is Mpreg or not because I know that turns some people off. So, if you don't like Mpreg then there's an unmentioned surrogate. If you're fine with Mpreg, then Richie's the mother. Happy Fathers Day._

**Warning**: Disturbing themes: Death of a child

She comes out purple and silent and not at all how a baby should be. Still. The doctor's face turns to stone and Jim wants to break it. No, no don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare tell him that. The doctor lets the first of many "I'm sorry."'s slip from his lips and Richard starts to panic. Severin's grip tightens on his shoulder, Jim can pinpoint the moment he realizes what has happened. Richard is asking questions, shaking and looking to Jim for an answer. He isn't good in these situations. All he can do is look back, and then Richard knows that it's real. He breaks down, nearly screaming and flailing, calling out "My baby! My baby! Let me see her!" Choked, strangled sobs wracking his tiny body. The doctor tries to protest but the small man is having none of it. The chord is cut and she is wrapped in a blanket, placed into his arms. The light is gone from Severin's eyes, he covers his mouth with a hand as the tears start to well. Richard is cradling her, the broken little creature that never even took her first breath. He's telling her how beautiful she is and Severin crawls into the bed with his partner, holding him while he holds her. He doesn't speak again, just rests his chin on Richard's shoulder and watches as the never-been family bleeds and dies. It's then that Jim excuses himself.

There is a text from Sebastian.

_Is she here? -SM_

And Jim wants to throw the phone.

_Stillborn. -JM_

He walks outside the hospital and lights his first cigarette in 10 years. It tastes like death, something familiar to Jim, something he once admired. Not anymore. He and Sebastian drink themselves to sleep that night. Richard passes out in the hospital bed, tears and blood staining his clothes. The stench of death becomes present on the child. Severin tells to doctors to take her while his partner sleeps, Richard would never give her up otherwise. They do, and when he wakes up, he is left with nothing but the bloodied blanket. He clutches it and doesn't let go.

A year previous, Richard and Severin decide they want to start a family. Sebastian encourages them, Jim warns them of the risks of having a child, being men of their sort of occupation, but respects their decision. The sniper comes to him with a question that night.

"Do you ever want to do that?"

"No."

"Me either."

He holds the criminal close after a well needed love making, both in agreement that they are happy just the way things are. The Tiger and the Magpie need nothing more then each other.

Three months later the test is positive and Richard rejoices. Severin lifts him up, kisses him, smiling all the while. Jim and Sebastian think they fancy the idea of being uncles. When they learn the sex, Richard says he wants to call her Lucy. Severin likes the nickname 'Loo' and happily complies.

The morning following her death, Jim wakes up with plans to get Lucy a tiny coffin. He texts Richard what wood would be preferred for the frame. There is no response with the exception of a very distraught Severin at the door 20 minutes later.

"What the hell is _wrong_ with you?!" He yells. "I finally got him to relax and you throw him into a full blown panic attack!"

Jim isn't speaking, just glaring at the Moran brother and holding his tongue. Sebastian walks in.

"What's going on?" He demands.

"Your husband is a psychopath!"

Sebastian is silent. He won't deny it and doesn't that hurt.

"What did he do?" Is what he asks instead. Like it's already obvious that Jim is the one at fault. He wants to hurt Sebastian, knock some sense into him and say that it's not true. Although, Jim finds himself unable to speak. Perhaps its his subconscious agreeing with them.

Severin explains what happened and Jim still doesn't understand why he is angry. But then he looks to Sebastian and sees a certain disgust in his eyes. The same disgust everyone else gets when they see Jim for what he truly is. He doesn't want that look to be in Sebastian's eyes. He wouldn't give a damn if it were anyone else, but now it _hurts_ him to see it.

"You don't honestly believe him do you?" Jim doesn't realize the words are his own until the Moran's shoot him identical looks. He wants to stop, he wants this to be over and crawl into his bed and die.

"What...Are you saying Severin is lying?" Sebastian asks him. Severin looks like he's going to murder someone. He opens his mouth to retort, but then he shuts it again and shakes his head in disapproval.

"You know what? Never mind. Just fucking never mind. I _really_ don't need my life to be fucked up any more then it already is. I've had enough of your bullshit, Jim." He storms out and Sebastian goes with him, to apologize probably. Jim is left alone in the flat. He walks to the bedroom and crawls under the covers. His phone buzzes just as he's about to drift off. It's from Richard.

_It's OK. I know you didn't mean it. -RB _

And that's enough to keep Jim from doing anything stupid that night. At least his brother has been around him long enough to understand.

That night, Jim dreams that he is a child again. His completion is so pale he looks almost blue and his body is really just bones under skin. Also, he is wearing a yellow dress. Sebastian locks him into a tiny coffin and throws him in the ocean while Richard cries by the dock. The freezing water seeps in through the cracks and Jim can't hear anything but the ear shattering pounding of war drums. He wakes up in a cold sweat and finds that he has pissed the bed. Sebastian has to hold him tight against his chest to stop the shaking. They don't talk about it in the morning. They never talk about it.

Severin doesn't come over again but he texts Sebastian with updates to Richard's health. He's gone sick and hasn't left bed since coming home from the hospital. It's been a week now. Days pass and not the Tiger nor the Magpie hear of Richard's condition. Sebastian wants to go over and check on them but Jim won't let him leave him alone. Not since that night that they never talk about.

It happens one late morning. They've both sat down at the table, Sebastian in his clothes and Jim in his dressing gown. He is looking at the newspaper, it's his favorite kind of fairy tale, and his scarred husband taps his finger nervously against the table. It's strange for Sebastian to be anxious. If he were like that normally, Jim would have never hired him.

"Do you think he's okay?" Sebastian asks, gazing out the window.

"No."

"What do you think is going on?"

"I think he's dead."

Sebastian gets up and walks from the flat, slamming the door behind him. Jim doesn't understand. He is alone now and that scares him. And _nothing_ scares Jim Moriarty. He goes into the bathroom and drinks a lot of cough syrup and then starts to light the house plants on fire. Sebastian will be angry, Jim hopes he is furious. It's his fault anyway. Since when was it a good idea to bring a living thing into their flat?

_Then why is _he_ here?_

Jim always ignores those type of questions but this one won't go away. He screams and knocks the plant over and stomps out the fire and keeps stomping. He falls asleep on the floor, in the dirt and ashes, just moments later.

When he wakes up, he's been cleaned and set in his bed. Sebastian is beside him. For the longest time, Jim wonders if it was all a dream.

_Is your child dead? I'm having trouble differentiating reality from dreams. -JM _

_[This number is no longer in service]_

Dammit, Severin. He can't contact his brother and that concerns Jim. He says he's going to go over and check on Richard but Sebastian stops him.

"I don't think now is the best time..."

"He's my brother! I have permission to see my own brother!"

He grabs his arm. "Jim, you really should stay here." And what he means is 'This is your final warning'.

Jim takes his chances. "Fuck off!"

Sebastian tightens his grip and narrows his eyes, yanking Jim back and effectively bringing him to the floor. The criminal snarls and goes to lash at Sebastian, who pins his wrists above his head before he has the chance. While Jim is strong, his sniper is stronger and has the advantage in weight. He has his knees on both sides of the Irish man's waist and straddles his lap.

"You are staying_ right here_." He tells him, blue eyes on fire. Jim kicks and screams and he curses Sebastian and then he's shouting,

"I don't know what to do! What am I meant to do?! I don't understand any of it!" He cries out, and Sebastian eases off.

"I _hate_ it! I hate not knowing! Tell me what to do!" He demands, and then his face softens. "I can't _do_ it, Sebastian. I don't know how."

Sebastian doesn't tell him what to do, but he leans down and touches his head to Jim's. For whatever reason, that always seems to calm the fire in the little Irish man. Jim's eyes go half lidded and he looks like he's in pain. Sebastian can tell that he's feeling too much right now and needs an escape.

"Fuck me."

There is no need to be asked twice.

When the boys were first born, Richard's umbilical chord got wrapped around Jim's neck and nearly killed him. He had to be kept in an incubator and breath through a tube for the first month of his life. Richard was perfectly healthy. Jim was seen as the damaged twin, the weaker link, even though he was a few minutes older then Richard. His face was always a shade paler then Richard's, his eyes ringed with dark circles, his hair would stick to his forehead with sweat. He sat in a wheelchair for the first 5 years of his life and was never expected to walk. But Jim was just as stubborn as he was broken, so he pushed his body to extremes that it was never meant to get to. He was able to walk with forearm crutches up to age 13, only then could he walk on his own. Still, there are days when Jim feels like his bones are going to break under him, but he always presses on.

No one knows about the childhood "disability" with the exception of Richard. Jim makes sure that he doesn't tell a soul, especially not Sebastian. He should never been seen as something weak, something feeble. Jim Moriarty is fucked up, he's damaged, and he most certainly is broken, but he _is not weak._ And he never will be.

The child was weak, she didn't try hard enough, she gave up too quickly.

Damn that child. Damn her for ruining Richie, for breaking him when he is already far too broken. Now he is shattered and Jim hates that. He hates it so much.

_Why do these things always happen to us? -JM_

_[This number is no longer in service]_

_Is it because of me? -JM_

_[This number is no longer in service]_

Jim Moriarty is not one to believe in such trivial things as fate or karma, but this is where the tragedy has brought him. Tragedy. That's what they call it. Jim doesn't understand it. What if his doings had brought on the death of Richard's child? What if this were his fault? But that's foolish and unfair. Richard never hurt anyone, so why is he receiving the punishment that Jim deserves.

_Because he is closest to you._

Ridiculous. No one is closer to Jim but himself. And second place goes to Sebastian, the one who stuck by him despite all of this. Well... for the most part.

_Because he understands you._

Richard understands nothing. He doesn't understand Jim's work, his views, he doesn't understand him at all! No one does! No one gets to him!

_Because you're untouchable, aren't you? No one can shake your oh-so-stable tower. _

Then why does this bother him so?! It doesn't make sense!

"I hate it!" Jim shouts when he is in Richard's room at night, waking the younger twin with a start.

Breaking in hadn't been a problem, he could do it the whole time but didn't. _Why?_ Richard sits up quick, eyes wide with fear until he registers who is the one shouting. Then he sighs and reaches over to turn on the bedside light.

"Jimmy?" He groans, rubbing his eye with his knuckle. He looks like death, face pale, eyes ringed with dark circles, hair sticking to his head with sweat. It reminds Jim of a boy he'd struggled so hard to forget. A boy who's pain he's never wish on anyone else.

"I hate it." He says again, quieter now, more like an apology then an uproar.

Richard sees his face and he knows. He doesn't have a clue how he knows, but he instantly does.

"I know."

"It's not fair."

"I know."

"I want it all to stop!"

Richard nods and nods again, wrapping his arms around Jim's neck, who instantly falls against his chest.

"I know, I know."

Jim weeps, even though it wasn't his child, and this isn't his pain, and even though no one gets to him. He _weeps_ and Richard holds him as it happens. He won't ever say a word to the Morans', won't ever mention this again, because he _knows_. He just does.

"It's not because of you." Richard whispers, which proves that he had gotten the texts all along. "It's just because, but it's okay. It hurts, but it's okay."

Jim wants to tell him that he's stupid. That 'of course it's not okay!', but he stays silent. Because it will never get better, they will never forget, but as long as they hold each other, just like this, they can survive.


End file.
